Wednesday, February 5, 2014

t h e e v e

from the eve of my 26th birthday-january 21, 2014

i sit here as the minutes tick by. eventually, time will indicate that another year has gone by.

tonight i have eaten nineteen reese's peanut butter cups, gave my sick husband a massage, and i am now watching junior (yes-the one where arnold schwarzenegger gets prego). i changed it after sitting down to a reality show that made it clear i wasn't beautiful enough, nor do i have enough money. sure, it is me comparing and my comparison rests on a fallacy, a downright lie perhaps. all beautiful, rich people are happy, successful, and never lonely. but this idealization does violence on my reality, so i choose not to watch that happen.

i am allowed to do this.

i'm getting older. what brought on my aging anxiety?

i find myself in a awkward state.
i don't identify myself with those younger. i am much more mature.
and i don't identify with those older as i will never age.

i am in a waiting stage. what happens next?

i have started to take notice that being young is rarely as freeing, and old-near as miserable, as the stereotypes would have me believe. but what is twenty six?

sitting here, i reflect on the last year, the twenty fifth year. it's happened. as i think about the last year, i wish i would have gone to bed earlier, made my husband more dinners, and put more focus into relationships.

goodbye 25th year.
by the way: who is reese? his peanut butter cups are my favorite.

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